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Post Re: Whatever Thread
Quote:
I lick up up neck again, gently kiss her
on the cheek, and then finally reach
her ear.

- her

Quote:
She keeps trembling while her juices
pouring out of her.


Quote:
She's still holding tight, but now
sliding even easier
.

- Might consider rewording but w/e lol

Quote:
In the old part of town up by the
mountain path where there are a bunch
of stores closing down..

- ellipsis


Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:42 am
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Post Re: Whatever Thread
Quote:
Kiryuu
You look like you've got too many
allies with you.

- "you don't have many", considering the next line she says: "when running into danger, it's better to have nin-something sukunai ho wa ii deshou" etc


Sun Mar 17, 2013 5:52 am
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Post Re: Whatever Thread
Quote:
Sakura
I should really feel... so embarrassed
but... But I... Together with you...

- very?

Quote:
Manami
"Your pussy dripping all over my thing."

- consider adding a verb like "is"

Quote:
Minami
Look. Your skin's smooth and
beautiful
.
Urara
Mmm... Cute and beautiful...

- Is this intentional?


Wed Mar 20, 2013 7:32 pm
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Post Re: Whatever Thread
Append

(Blone... and she feels so noble and dignified for some reason...) <- "(Blone..." should be "(Blond...

A-Anyway, just stay there. Um, I wasn't trying to do anything shamefully or anything... <- "shamefully" should be "shameful"

You are simply ignorant, aren't you? A barbaian? Or perhaps a noble... <- "barbaian?" should be "barbarian?"

Aaah!? Be careful of your skirt when you run of stairs! <- first "of" should be "with" second "of" should be "up"

If you wish to help you, you must squeeze it out. <- "you," should be "her,"

She holds her thighs up, exposiing her most intimate place to me. My dick stiffens immediately. <- "exposiing" should be "exposing"

http://i.imgur.com/InDPOie.png <- not sure if this is a missing period or overflow.


Fri Mar 22, 2013 7:44 am
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Post Re: Whatever Thread
Quote:
Airin
Her eternal archnemesis who has loved
his enemy
demands her body and
mind...

- i'd reword this

Quote:
She grabs my hand and puts in on her
shoulder.

- it

Quote:
He must've been able to control his
anticipation.

- unable

Quote:
I slam my hips violently against her
butt, stirring and mixing up her inside.

- s?


Sat Mar 23, 2013 6:19 am
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Post Re: Whatever Thread
Quote:
I put her down behind, slowly lowering
her onto my dick.

- i'd reword this

Quote:
Urara
Aaah... This is so embarrassing. You
don't need to stretch so much. You'll
be able to put it in...
 
 - stretch me?

Quote:
Kiryuu
Yeah. Never giving up, even if you
fail is your strength.

- missing a comma: ...even if you fail, is your...


Sat Mar 23, 2013 8:50 pm
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Post Re: Whatever Thread
Irrelevant!


Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:54 am
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