Re: Kamidori 1.0: Last Update 2/26
Chapter 5 - Serawi
or how crayl made me stop playing because......just no.
Serawi「Wil, may I come in?」
Wil「Ah, Serawi. Please.」
"Please come in." or "Come in." imo
We go to the Yuidora Mine, the same as we have many times before.
"the same way we did many times before."?
Wil「We were here collecting things for the Gnome Stone... We used things from here to make Aht.」
"We came here to collect materials for the Gnome Stone..." imo
Yuela「I'd understand if you got carried away, but I'm not sure why Emelita's the happiest.」
Wil didnt even speak. and the narration didnt point that yuela started talking to him. Poor guy is just there. so "Wil" instead of "you"
Emelita「I can't stop laughing when I think about that alchemist exaggerating what happened.」
"alchemist's tall tale." imo
Tian「What? I'm here to celebrate the Saerav's complete acceptance in Yuidora. And I've got other good news.」
was used before and is awkward in this line. use "recognition" imo
They all react in their own ways to my gratitude.
Wil「What was with them...」
"What was that about" fits better imo
Villager「I've from Kena village. Our people are getting sick and normal medicines aren't working. Is there anything you can make...?」
"I'm from Kena village." imo. also it feels more natural for me to say "is there anything you can do" instead of "make"
Serawi「However, there is a limit to its resources. They cannot be without regard.」
"taken without regard."?
Serawi「But if you think of the forest as simply a convenience for your own usage, you will never understand elves.」
elves was repeated too much. "elves." -> "our people." imo
Every time I get promoted, I get more and more busy.
"the workload keeps adding up." imo
Wil「I believe that when people come to the door with a request, it's because they cannot do it themselves.」
"my door" imo
Wil「As long as you don't go too far. But just this once, can you let me push myself?」
weird since she was admonishing him for working recklessly. should be "As long as I don't go too far." maybe? or "As long as I don't work myself to death."
I run into a man as he's leaving the gate.
awkward. "as I'm leaving the gate." feels more natural
I wipe it off myself and leave the city.yy
maybe its just me, but i see a "y" too many at my end
Crayanne「To me...? Is there something else you need me to help you with?」
Crayl「It is and it isn't. I want you to come back with me.」
felt awkward. "Yes and no." imo
Melodiana「...There was a time that we were together, but we have parted ways now.」
"when we were together" imo
I thought the song was just a legend, but apparently it really exists...
"apparently it really is a true story..." imo
Wil「I see... Then I guess for me right now, it's not possible, is it?」
switch imo. "it's not possible for me right now, is it?"
I slowly approach him from behind..
missing a period. ".." -> "..."
Wil「I guess there's that...」
"I guess that's true..." imo
I'd forgotten before now, but I have heard in the past that yuichiri nectar fetches a high price.
"until now" imo. also this scene was really what i needed...stupendous eushully. stay classy.