So I download the english patch, but when I try to unzip it, I get this http://tinypic.com/r/33optf7/5 . (Yes I have japanese local and all that other whatnot.)

Now if I try and run the patch (yes, I put it in the directory) I get this issue http://tinypic.com/r/21291qo/5 .

Now I figure my problem is I'm retarded in some way, shape, or form. But if anyone could help me on this, I'd really appreciate it.

Looks like your patch download is corrupted somehow.

Try downloading it again.

Maybe your antivirus is interfering with it somehow.

Turned off anti-virus, anti-malware, and firewall. Still nothing. Could someone maybe upload their english patch to say mediafire or something and post the link here or PM it to me? honestly don't know what else to do.)

So you're saying that the patch you had gotten was bad?
Where did you get it from?

The patch from here checks out when tested in 7zip. If it had been corrupt it would have been known by now...

The crc for the patch(main) zip is 49E93B08, if it isn't then you have a corrupt copy.